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All the previous news stories are fucking unbelievable. Where the hell did our writers get these ideas from, seriously?

Valve denies accusations of The Sniper from Team Fortress 2 being a furry, instead declare that the in-game quip about his kangaroo wife was instead a remark about Australians.

Scientists have created "homosexual fruit flies", and can't really explain why or how this could help humanity. "We have created fruity flies." said the lead scientist before refusing to answer more questions

"Spider George" is barred from museum of natural history after he was caught "eating the specimens" in the rare spider exhibit.

"Spider George" is arrested for aggravated spider rape. Preliminary findings report there are hundreds of victims, all of them spiders.

Valve issues statement, will retire the "Spy" and "Sniper" from Team Fortress 2. The two characters have reportedly eloped and wish to step down from mercenary work, focusing on their homosexual romance somewhere quiet.

Valve issues statement, will temporarily remove the "Sniper" from Team Fortress 2 so he can undergo medical treatment. His excessive rate of urination is apparently a sign of dangerous medical anomaly that must be treated.

We here at Jars News Network are sending Jett to a camp where he will undergo strict education in hopes of him finally learning to properly pronoucne the word "live"

Mayor issues apology for offering chicken and watermelon to city workers during workplace party. From this moment onwards, fried chicken and watermelon is reserved for everyone.

Silly american tourist got confused when visiting a sauna in a spa, tried to sit on the hot rocks, burned "his balls off".

People are over-represented in criminal statistics and we must do something to address it, says mayor.