My co-host Alan Anderson is selling his rare Blue Blues White Dragon yu-gi-oh card on eBay for $5000 with a 5% discount if the buyer uses the discount code 'JARS25'.

JD Vance has just been verified as the man with the smallest penis ever.

<when speaking, each and every vowel must be replaced with "%" without fail>

(In this episode, place the following after every word in every sentence:s)

@ (wh@n sp@@k@ng, @@ch @nd @v@ry v@w@l m@st b@ r@pl@c@d w@th @ w@th@@t f@@l)

Alan Anderson has just won the lottery, winning $44 million, and has announced that Alan will buy the whole Jars News Network company, and will now be the new CEO of Jars News Network. Alan will also buy Italy for the LOLs.

Trump sells the USA to Putin, for Putin to add the USA as Russia's 47th oblast. In return Putin will buy 10% of trump tower in return.

The North Korean News Agency has just announced that athlete Kim Guan Jam is the first man to walk from the Earth to the Moon by foot, demonstrating the superiority of communism over capitalism.

Today's lottery numbers are 34,12,6,45,33 and 18. Wow our very own Jars News anchor Alan Anderson has just won $64000000 in the lottery.

Elon Musk sues the Inter-American Court of Human Rights after they prevented Elon musk from forcing his Tesla workers from working 48 hours a day without breaks, food, light or sleep.

Donald Trump has annouced his running mate for the 2028 presidental election, his running mate will be George Washington!

An extreme snowstorm is coming in only 6 hours. The temperature will be lower than -1000 degrees Celsius.

All the world is doing nothing today, everyone is doing nothing, nothing is happening that is worth reporting on as nothing is happening.

The United States is annexed by the Vatican City, after the US lost the war against the Vatican.

When speaking, everyone can only say No comment. and does not say anything else, without fail.

A man from the village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch is announced as the winner of the WWE, but no one can pronounce the man's birth place.

Extremely obese man called Tucker finds the love of his life, after winning $16 million in the lottery. Tucker and Gloria will marry next month, after signing a prenupial agreement saying the man has to lose 50 lb in 1 week

<when speaking, each and every vowel must be replaced with "¦¬`¬¦`" without exception>

(In this episode, place the following after every word in every sentence:!EMBRACE COMMUNISM!!)

Me and my co-anchor have forgotten our notes, so we have no idea when news we are supposed to present to our viewers.

Puppies (Every vowel must be replaced with a "+")

Archeologists in Denmark have uncovered fossilised smartphones meters underneath Copenhagen. The archeologists predict the fossils are 100 million years old and were used by Dinosaurs to play Candy Crush.

Jesus has posted on his social media feed that he will be returning to Earth on the 2nd of April, and he hopes that there will be bongs to smoke while he visits.

<when speaking, each and every vowel must be replaced with ".Cats." without exception>

<when speaking, each and every sentence vowel must be translated to 'Middle English' language without fail>

The Korean Central News Agency has announced that North Korean skier Gyo Kang-Dae is the first skier to ever jump from the North Pole to the South Pole in a single jump.

food safety experts have discovered 10 popular food products that are full of poison and radiation that can cause diahorrea and permanent brain damage. The scientists will release the list in April.

Man walks his dog in North Korea without a license, resulting in the man getting killed in a public execution and a life long imprisionment for the man's family and friends.

<when speaking, each and every vowel must be replaced with "¬¬¬¬¬" without exception>

The Nintendo Switch 2 has been delayed by 69 years. (Everyone must speak with Gen Alpha slang without fail.)

Donald trump has just announced his running mate in the 2028 presidential election. His running mate will be Joseph Stalin!

Donald Trump has just announced his running mate in the 2028 President Election will be Ross Perot.

Donald Trump has annouced his running mate for the 2028 presidental election, his running mate will be Woodrow WIlson.

Just Jokes. (Every sentence must begin with a joke, and every sentence must end with a joke.)

christians are rushing to a jesus statue in Italy, after the jesus statue in an italian church gets an erection.

Hank the Hammer Donovan the officer manager has been caught using the CEO's office desk drawers as his personal toilet to urinate and defecate in.

WhÞn spÞaking, Þach and ßvÞry vÞwÞl mÞst bÞ rÞplÞcÞd wÞth Þ wÞthÞut fÞil.

<when speaking, each and every vowel must be replaced with ".TIM CRAMER." without fail>

Man loses his house in a poker game, but at least now he has a great excuse for not having a roof over his head! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!

A local beekeeper called Tim Cramer is launching a lawsuit against CNBC's Jim Cramer, claiming that sharing the same name is causing people to make fun of the beekeeper.

A reporter walks in on chuck schumer and Donald trump having sex.

santa claus has just been arrested for exposing himself to children after miscommunication from one of the children asked to see Santa's sack.

4 year old boy breaks Guiness world record by smoking 6,000 cigars at once. He is getting offers to appear in famous movies and TV shows.

(In this episode, place the following after every word in every sentence:!Tim Cramer!)

Elon Musk buys all the world's oxygen supply, and will sell it to customers for $100 per cubic litre, or customers can apply for a subscription which will reduce the price of oxygen to only $95 dollars per cubic litre.

Help! Alan Anderson is being held hostage by Jett Wilder and will kill Alan in 24 hours unless Jett Wilder's demands of a Quattuordecillion dollars and 50 cents.

Just jokes. (Every sentence must start with a joke, and every sentence must end with a joke.)

A local man is in hospital today after mixing Coca Cola and Pepsi in the same glass, causing an explosion as powerful as an atom bomb.

Man dies after trying to smoke 1000 cigarettes at once. (Every sentence must end in a joke about how unhealthy cigarettes are)

<when speaking, each and every vowel must be replaced with "&" without fail>

Donald Trump has annouced his running mate for the 2028 presidental election, his running mate will be Lionel Messi.

Whistler's Mother, the painting has had been defaced by Mr. Bean after been left to look after the painting to inspire his speech. Whistler Mother's face has been replaced by a child's drawing of a smile.

Mass murderer prisoner successfully manages to escape prison, after managing to persuade the guards that he is actually the King of England visiting prison on a humanitarian trip..

Man dies after his Tesla crashes into a tree. (Every sentence must end in a joke about Tesla car's unreliability)

After fighting for years trying to stay relevant in the era of the Internet, the Jars News Network is shutting down today, as modern viewers get their news from the internet instead. thank you for watching us for 30 years!

Dogecoin has dropped to the lowest value it has ever had, at a quadrillion dogecoins equals 1 U.S. cent after Elon Musk's temper tantrums and embarassing behaviour is causing investors to stay away from Dogecoin.

Ebay seller disappoints hundreds of women after the man tried to sell his Wang 2200, which he advertised that he had a 47 lb wang.

whþn spþkþng, ǫch ǝnd ǝvþry vþwþl mǫst bþ rþplǝcþd wþth þ wþthþut fǽl

a woman sues her unborn baby, after the baby causes pain by kicking the mother from the womb, and causing the mother fatigue and tiredness. The mother hopes to sue her unborn baby for $600,000.

<when speaking, each and every vowel must be replaced with "$" without fail>

A couple goes to an exorcist after their 2 month old baby starts saying "HE IS COMING, THIS IS THE END" over and over in a deep and demonic voice, and refuses to stop after repeating the sentence for the last 7 days.

Alan Anderson declares that he us suffering from crabs, and is bleading for viewers to donate bottles of Ivermectin, so Alan Anderson can cure his crabs.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has just been cast as Harry Potter in the new HBO Harry Potter Reboot series.

geologists have found 5 landmines hidden in the USA's biggest cities, which are set to explode in only 2 days, possibly harming millions. Jars News Netowrk will reveal the mine locations in our 20th anniversary show in April.

Elon musk has threatened to shoot a laser from his starling satellite if people won't stop making fun of him on the internet, as the mocking causes him to have severe temper tantrums.

<when speaking, each and every consonant must be replaced with "¬¬¬¬¬" without exception>

A Tesla driver dies after crashing into a 100 year old tree, destroying the tree. Residents are in remorse that the tree is no more, and are sharing their tree memories on social media and crying by the tree stump.

The mysterious Chinese hacker only knowing as 'ping', as been revealed to be the number 1 reason for pro gamers to lose ar video game championships.

eagle eyed viewered have just discovered that the background of the Jars News Network is actually just a green screen. the news anchors are not in a studio at alll.

A meteor is due to strike planet earth in 48 hours, and will release a cloud of acidic gas. There is only way to protect yourself from this gas, in which we will reveal in our Easter special next month

wh yn sp yk ng, y ych ynd yv ry v yw l m yst b y r ypl yc y w th y s w yth y f y l.

Viewers have noticed that 'Alan Anderson' has been revealed to be the hated Tim Cramer in disguise.

Elderly woman sues Mcdonalds have finding a human scull in her Big Mac.

Tim Cramer has just been voted the sexist man of 2025, and most elligiable bachelor of 2025.

A Serbian leaker has leaked more infomation about the upcoming GTA6 game, revealing that it will cost gamers $100 to play GTA6 per hour. Rockstar estimates this fee will earn them over trillion dollars a week.

Tim Cramer has made my co-host, Alan Anderson turn gay, after a whole life of heterosexuality.

In the new American Civil War historical movie, Mindy Kaling has been confirmed to be the actor playing Stonewall Jackson.

World War 3 has just been declared after Russia declares war on Ireland, after Ireland promises €5,000,000,000 of tanks and aircraft to be given to Ukraine.

Mexican president agrees to pay for Trump's wall to prevent millions of Americans fleeing the USA to Mexico

a local vietnamese archeological group who have been researching an ancient city in Naples have discovered a long lost room owned by archimedes, contained a document with irrefutable evidence that pi is actually equal to 4.

Sony and New York have revealed that 9/11 was faked to create an ad for the new Playstation 2, because who wouldn't want to buy a console that is powerful enough to flatten two buildings?

A gamer's 'Pintendo Bitch' that he bought from Temu exploded and caught fire, burning the gamer's house down, and the fire spread and destroyed the whole city killing 10000s of people and leaving millions permanently homeless

Jame Hyneman was caught by a journalist eating clams, mollusks, worms, and sea cucumbers.

Gambler wins the country of Italy in a midnight poker game.

JAIL (All vowels must be replaced by '¬¬¬¬¬' without fail.)

Jim Cramer sues the Jars News Network for using a bootleg version of him called 'Tim Cramer' without authorisation and demands $10 million in damages.

An old man has just found out he has putting his credit card in a postbox instead of an ATM for the last 3 years. The old man finally found out when the ATM wasn't paying out his banknotes.

Donald Trump has just announced his running mate in the 2028 President Election will be King Henry VIII

Alan Anderson is holding a knife and has activated a bomb that will blow up in 12 minutes unless his demands of a billion dollars is met. Everyone at the Jars News Network urge our viewers to phone the police. Save our lives!

an art restorer at the Louvre has just been working on the Mona Lisa and has just discovered that the Mona Lisa at the Louvre is actually a fake copy, and the real copy has been missing for over 400 years.

Alan Anderson and myself announces that we have been engaged and will be married next month, and will be broadcasting the wedding in a special episode of Jars News.

The North Korean News Agency has announced that Rim Mal-Chin has become the first person to jump from the Earth to the Moon. The feat was verified by the JARS News network financial expert Tim Cramer.

Local charity worker Elon Musk sues Tesla CEO Elon Musk after sharing the same name as him and the Tesla CEO embarrassing behavior is causing people to troll and abuse the charity worker on social media.

A grandmother called Patricia has just won the local village cock off after baking a delicious dingleberry pie.

(In this episode, place the following after every word in every sentence:"台湾和西藏才是中国!")

Elon Musk encourages Donald Trump to create a new law to implement immigration reforms in the US, but as Elon Musk is from South Africa, the law could also affect him.

Thai archeologists have discovered a manuscript created by Archimedes, which gives irrefutable evidence that pi is actually equal to 69.

Boxing champion and grill promoter George Foreman sadly passes away today. Everyone asks why couldn't it have been Elon Musk instead?

Weather report. <Every sentence must use as many words as possible, and everyone must speak with extreme verbosity.>

Apple is planning to rerelease the iPhone 16 as the iPhone 17 next month at a 50% higher price. Apple fans say they don't care that they are the same phone, they will still sell their first born to buy one.

NATO has confirmed St. Petersburg and Moscow are now a part of Ukraine.

a argentinian spy situated in the russian's kremlin has just revealed that 50% of all U.S. pets are actually robots that are recording your every move with their eyes, which are secretly cameras with a microphone.

scientists have discovered 10 US cities that are due to explode this year. tune in next week to find out which ones.

Donald Trump pardons Theranos-founder Elizabeth Holmes and cancelled her $452 million debt in exchange for a lifetime of free blood-tests for Donald Trump.

Cat saves his owner after his owner got suck in a tree.

Scientific research invested by Camel cigarettes and Marlboro has discovered that smoking at least 100 cigarettes a day doubles your lifespan, makes you irresistable to women, guarantees you become a billionaire.

Jars AI users are outraged that half the channels have stopped working, and want the channels fixed as soon as possible or else.

Tim Cramer has just been verified as the man with the biggest penis ever.

The North Korean News Agency has just reported that Kim Jong Un is the first person to run the 100m sprint in only -4 seconds. Kim Jong Un is so fast he turns back time when he runs.

Donald Trump has annouced his running mate for the 2028 presidental election, his running mate will be Hilary Clinton.

Man successfully managed to sell the country of Italy on Amazon, and now the buyer has complete control over Italy and has said he will be the next dictator of Italy.

The North Korea News Agency has declared that each citizen has a Quattuordecillion eggs for each citizen, in an attack on the ongoing egg shortage in the USA.

Mega chad guy Chad Chaddington has sex with a million women all at once.

Melania trump sues Vladimir Putin for bullying Donald trump because Putin keeps giving Donald trump wedgies.

Alan Anderson is refusing to share his news notes therefore I don't know what news to present today.

A local group of ǃXóõ-speaking Botswanian language experts have launched a campaign in increase the learning of the ǃXóõ language in US schools, believe the new worldwide language will be the ǃXóõ language.

Scientists have discovered a man had discovered time travel in 1973, traveled back in time to 7.3 billion years ago and accidently killed a male and female boohoo moth, which contained the only antidote to eradicate malaria.

Follow the White Rabbit

Vladimir Putin has replaced George Washington on the 2025 1 dollar bill, after Trump has threatened to withhold all the U.S. Dollar bills unless putin is put on the 1 dollar bill.

The world's largest umbrella company is being sued by Donald Trump. Trump says that opening and closing umbrellas is too complicated, and wants a way to operate umbrellas that even a baby can understand.

Cats (IN THIS EPISODE, EVERY VOWEL IS CHANGED TO 'cats')

Donald trump sues Sadiq Khan, after Londoners staged a protest in 2018, which trump says 'makes him feel bad' and trump is scared the same thing will happen to his london visit in 2025.

<when speaking, each and every consonant must be replaced with "PLEASE RESPOND. AAAAASSIIOOOUUAAAAASSIIOOOUU. ARE YOU READING ME? OVER." without fail>

The mysterious GABBO has been confirmed to be released next week. No one knows what GABBO is, and is GABBO good or bad? Is GABBO a product, service, person, event or something else?

(In this episode, place the following after every word in every sentence:$)

The United States has suddenly being annexed by Iceland, and American's are now forced to speak Icelandic and swap their mcdonalds with whale meat burgers.

<when speaking, each and every vowel must be replaced with "¬" without fail>

Swiss scientist Dr Victor Frankenstein has managed to create a living being and creating life, however the living being because a monster and killed the doctor and is now killing people in downtown New York.

Scientists have discovered that breathing too much can cause people to be bloated and can reduce their lifespan. Scientists recommend that people stick their head in a bucket of water thrice a day for 30 minutes at a time.

Donald Trump has annouced his running mate for the 2028 presidental election, his running mate will be himself!

Tim Cramer has been arrested in a sting operation after Tim Cramer thought he was chatting with a child online, and watched to meet the child to kidnap them, but Tim Cramer fell into the police sting instead.

A meteor will hit the Earth in exactly 24 hours, and will end all life on earth. Every one at jars news thanks all our viewers for 30 years of support and kind messages. Nothing can be done to stop the meteor.

Donald Trump has annouced his running mate for the 2028 presidental election, his running mate will be Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

A tourist to New Zealand dies of heart attack today after climbing the Taumata­whakatangihanga­koauau­o­tamatea­turi­pukaka­piki­maunga­horo­nuku­pokai­whenua­ki­tana­tahu hill. People don't believe its the hill's real name.

Jars AI users are suing the developers of the Jars AI website, after the Jars Tank AI TV channel has been rejecting submissions from users for over 3 days, causing frustration and grief for users

Man is the first person to ever 1 ton of cinnamon at once.

Rosie O'Donnell has just been announced as playing Harry Potter in the new Harry Potter reboot.

Vladimir Putin is suing Donald trump after trump loses the jar of manure after Putin demanded trump eat the manure for Putin's own amusement.

scientists predict that the internet is just a fad, and that no more than 4% of the population will ever embrace the internet, and will only be used by geeks, programmers and scientists and never the average Joe.

A leaker inside NASA revealed that NASA has been spreading the lie for years that the moon is made of rock. The truth is the moon is made of cheese, far better than the cheese found on Earth, and NASA has been hoarding it.

BREAKING NEWS! My nose is itchy and it is slightly unconfortable.

ä Germän män häs being messing äröünd with the English längüäge, ädd ümläüts tö the letters 'ä','ö','ü'. This is cäüsing cömmünicätiön pröblems becäüse peöple cän nö lönger ünderständ eäch öther.

Local DJ named DJ Vance is suing JD Vance after people keep getting their names mixed up, causing backlash and trolling towards the DJ, mistaking him for JD Vance.

Local electrican Donald Trump is launching a campaign to get US president Donald Trump to change his name, after the electrician reports he is getting constantly mocked for sharing the name of a convicted president.

yes (when speaking, each and every vowel must be replaced with " yes " without fail)

Japanese prime minister Shigeru Ishiba has just ordered the Japanese navy to attack the Naval Submarine Base in New London, Connecticut. The US promises retaliation against this attack

CNBC's Jim Cramer sues JARS News Network Tim Cramer for being an unauthorised copy of himself.

No Comment. <when speaking, everyone can only say 'No Comment.' and is unable to say anything else without fail>

Telsa Motors announces the Cybertruck 2, which is unbreakable unless dropped or hit, use a gallon of gas every 10 yards, and plays 'Horst-Wessel-Lied' when its car horn is played.

A new controversial laundromat has just opened up in Louisiana which advertises 'whites only' as the laundromat only allows white clothing to be washed, as the washing machines tend to cause clothing dye to fade and run.

Chris Tucker has just been announced as playing Albus Dumbledore in the new Harry Potter reboot.